Tundla Junction

Australian batsman Michael Clarke on Friday accused Andrew Symonds of racism for allegedly calling him a “pup” during practice sessions. Symonds has been reported for the International Cricket Council’s Code of Conduct 3.3. The hearing is scheduled for Saturday and will be presided over by Michael Clarke’s mother, who said “I have lived next to the zoo all my life, and I understand this animal business very well. This will be a fair hearing.”

The basis for Clarke’s accusation is Darwin’s famous theory of evolution which suggests that humans evolved from monkeys who in turn evolved from early mammalian forms.

The incident has created a stir amongst BCCI management who are keen to get into the act. “We do not waste opportunities to make money,” inside sources said. Word has it that an emergency meeting was called late on Friday night at the Dalal Street headquarters to discuss Saurav Ganguly’s case for being referred to as the Bengal “Tiger” on numerous occasions. Inside sources claim that this is in recognition of the immense anguish caused to all Bengali people. Inside sources also clarified that Harbhajan never called Symonds a “Monkey” but actually said “M****c**d”, and had no racial intentions whatsoever.

The incident has not gone unnoticed outside of cricket, either. Late Stockbroker Harshad Mehta’s family plans to file a complaint against the use of “big bull” while actress Sushmita Mukherjee is reportedly planning a complaint against the script writer of the Doordarshan series Karamchand for calling her a “Kitty”. Badminton star Aparna Popat is in the process of filing a case against her parents for naming her after a bird. BJP plans to file a complaint against all of the United States for calling each other a “guy”. “After all, guy is our mother,” said a BJP spokesperson.

Our correspondent reports that this news hasn’t gone down well in certain sections of the society. Gulabo Bai from Dharavi, MA wants the definition of racial abuse to be extended to include flowers. Pakistan ex-captain Inzamam-Ul-Haq concurs with Gulabo’s view and says “first of all thanks to god the boys played very well they should also include all vegetables like Aaloo, Baigan, etc.”

Meanwhile Indian captain Anil Kumble insisted that the events are pre-history, and that the team is working hard in the nets memorising animal names to avoid using them going forward. All team members have reportedly taken to the task with great enthusiasm with Harbhajan saying “I did not even know some of these animals. It is great to learn words like Ocelot and Okapi. It is a shame that I will not be able to use these in the next match.”