Tundla Junction

It has been a week like never before. In an unprecedented move up the charts, Simi Garewal and Shobha De have emerged as favourites for the post of President of India, and now find themselves battling it out head-to-head in the bookies tables.

These are exciting times. Indian democracy has found a new voice, and a new medium. While some have had enough of “enough is enough”, others have thronged in millions to support the voice of reason emerging from the throats of India’s agitated socialites. “Simi madam is our only hope,” wrote in a supporter from Sangli district.

By denouncing every politician in the country, Simi and Shobha have sparked off national rage at the incompetence of India’s ruling class, a revelation that many described as “My Buddha moment.” The outcome is a new electoral process (currently telecast live on NDTV, prime time, Mon-Thu) which builds on the scientifically proven Indian Idol format. Every week, 10 candidates perform in front of an elated audience and are rated by a panel of three followed by telephonic voting. “More people in India have access to telephones than to election booths, what better way to bring about permanent change?” remarked political analyst Raveena Tandon. The show is hosted by Barkha Dutt and features Anu Malik, Chunkey Pandey and Bappi Lahiri as the panel of judges.

Simi supporters, also known as Simians, have stopped paying taxes in response to her show of remarkable self-restraint. “What a great idea! She’s a genius,” said Bhiku, who runs a chai shop and had been paying all his taxes honestly till yesterday. Some astute observers are not so keen on the idea and would like to see her present her fiscal policy in episode 9.

“I support Shobha De as she has six children”, said Sushil, a De supporter (the group now known as De-mentia – click here to join the group on Facebook). “Anyone who can manage a household with six children is a force to reckon with. I am sure she’ll sort out our issues” he went on to add.

The process is also finding support from the National Association of English Teachers who are delighted that Indians are finally being exposed to top quality English. A spokesperson said, “it is good to see participants taking such a responsible stance and exposing the public to words like lacuna.”

Meanwhile Gandhi has been reported to have turned in his grave.