Tundla Junction

The Congress government today announced a 1000 run package to bailout Rahul Dravid, the beleaguered batsman struggling to deliver to market expectation in the last two years. “This is in recognition of the huge impact Dravid’s performance has on the nation, with a number of auxiliary sectors on the line” said a party spokesperson.

Rahul Dravid, earlier referred to as “The Wall,” has been the mainstay of the Indian Cricketing economy for much of the last decade. In fact, for a period of time he outperformed Sachin Tendulkar, his strongest competitor for the post of Indian batsman of all time. Today he finds himself singularly in the red, with his debt/equity ratio running at the highest levels since he was conceived in 1972.

“The Congress had no option but to support Dravid via this package,” said analysts, suggesting that “anything less than a 1000 runs would have had national repercussions.” The 1000 run package will beef his average to 57.7, amongst the highest of all times. “More importantly, this will send out a positive signal to the broader market, and that is paramount in this bearish market” said cricket economist Harsha Bhogle. 

Critics, however, disagree. “Dravid is representative of an outdated philosophy and the investment would have been far more effective if spent on a new age institution like Yuvraj Singh,” said Dilip Vengsarkar, who did not wish to be named. Vengsarkar finds support with statisticians who point out that a 1000 run bailout would have raised Yuvraj’s average to 64.06, a 100% increase. “Clearly bailing out Yuvraj would have sent a much stronger message to the market than the populist move planned by the Congress,” agreed the opposition.

Meanwhile the CPI(M) withdrew what remained of its external support to the central government. “This entire discussion is meaningless. In order to ensure equitable distribution, the government should have considered a more penetrative package – one that elevates the average Indian,” said Prakash Karat, General Secretary. Statisticians are even more excited by this suggestion, pointing out that a 1000 run bailout aimed at the general public would have returned more than a million percent growth, given that the national run tally averaged out against 1 billion individuals would be a miniscule figure, and any growth over miniscule is massive.

Meanwhile English markets reported a massive tumble in reaction to the new package, as the 1000 run package suddenly implied that England start day 3 of the Chennai test 753 runs behind with only 7 wickets intact. “We may take up to 10 years to overcome this shock” said chief economist, the Standard Chartered bank.