VIVA Uphaar! VIVA Ansals!
The verdict on the Uphaar cinema case has outraged many in the public as seen in this video below.
But, inspired by the victory achieved by the Uphaar cinema owners, their peers across all (criminal) classes have decided to band together to create the Victims of Victims Association (VIVA).
“VIVA’s founding members have carefully reviewed the judgment of the single judge bench and identified the key criteria that qualify victims of victims. The judge said that the Ansals are ‘educated, respectable members of society‘ with ‘no previous criminal records‘. It stands to reason that anyone else meeting these criteria in the trials underway in our courts should also automatically be judged less guilty and their sentences reduced.” said Mr. H.A. Ram Chor, the newly selected spokesperson of the organization while speaking to the media at its inaugural press conference.
The objectives of the organization not only include advocacy of the rights of Victims of Victims, but also seek to reduce the workload of our judges and speed up our process of justice by allowing for quicker decisions in cases involving VIVA members.
Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu who is a founding member of VIVA said in his own inimitable style “See we should now be on our toes like midgets at a urinal. I am personally going to introduce a bill in parliament which will use the principles of this judgment. So what if they file charges against me, I can table a bill against them.”.
As per the provisions of this bill any person who is educated i.e. has a post graduate certificate will be deemed not guilty. A graduate can get a 50% reduced sentence while matriculates and below will have to serve the full sentence. There will be some exemptions to these criteria. E.g. If the person is illiterate but a minister, they will be presumed innocent. VIVA has said that it will provide assistance to all its members in the matter of obtaining the relevant degree certificates within the shortest possible time frame.
VIVA is also planning to bring a suit against the ‘Victims’ for the mental trauma and damage to reputation caused to them in their experiences with the criminal justice system. “Do they think it is easy to go to jail and sit there?” asked JMM chief Shibu Soren, who is one of the founding members of VIVA. “My secretary only died, I had to eat the food at Tihar jail.”.
Prominent persons who will be joining VIVA include Salman Khan, who will be campaigning against black bucks, bishnois and pavement dwellers, all MP’s, MLA’s and MLC’s of the Indian legislature campaigning for the right to rape and pillage, Mr. Ramalinga Raju of software giant Satyam for the right to take a personalized approach to corporate governance, dowry seeking husbands campaigning for the right to seek monetary benefits from matrimony and the right to immolation and Himesh Reshammiya for the right to commit auditory assault.
Their enemies, the original victims have been thrown into disarray by these bold moves. It remains to be seen in the days to come whether they will be able to make a comeback.
There is also news of the formation of a subgroup within VIVA that is urging the lawmakers to pay heed to our rich tradition of upholding minority rights in any such reduction of sentence.
They have put backward a strong case that a Forward Caste (educated and respectable, of course) Criminal be awarded only 30% reduction in sentence. A Backward Caste Criminal could merit 50% reduction in sentence, a Most Backward Caste Criminal could merit 70% reduction in sentence and a Scheduled Caste Criminal should of course be let off with a 100% reduction in sentence.
In case of a Scheduled Tribe Criminal, it was unanimously decided to appeal that the sentence be served by the Victim (or the Complainant, if the Victim has ceased to exist) as such accusation against a member of the most backward and deprived Scheduled Tribes, the upliftment of whom must be the prime duty of the legislature, can be proven to be detrimental to the secular fabric (woven out of 100% pure imported cotton by a certain Father at his spinning wheel) of the country and ultimately hacks at the very roots of democracy.
[...] The new law allows us to detain people we arrest with no recourse for 6 months. So every time someone victimizes respectable, educated people, we have the option to throw them in jail. We have some other options also, but the most potent [...]