Tundla Junction

In view of the unending crisis in the global economy, an international community comprising twelve of the most concerned nations has come together to form the International Bailout Fund (IBF) along the lines of the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

A key official of the IBF, who wished not to be named, told our NY bureau chief that the new organisation consisted of the U.S., UK, Japan, Germany, France, Italy, China, Brazil, Spain, Canada, Russia and of course India.  The group of these forward looking countries would be called “B12” – where ‘B’ stands for Bailout, the most popular word of 2008. The IBF official further said: “In a recent closed door meeting of the IBF’s Founding Members, US president George Bush – who retires on January 20 – was unanimously appointed the Chairman and Managing Director of the IBF.  Everyone at the meeting praised Mr. Bush for unabashedly showering public money on Bear Stearns, Fannie and Freddie, AIG, Citibank, Detroit’s auto makers and scores of banks.”

A senior Bailout Director at the newly formed IBF, on the condition of anonymity, said : “We have been asked to maintain absolute confidentiality about the IBF’s organisational set up. All openings at the IBF are being filled up through high level personal contacts – mostly friends and family. I was recently fired from the Citigroup where I worked for twelve years as a fund manager.  I am happy that I have now got a much better job profile where I pretend to undertake preliminary scrutiny and screening of the bailout applications.”

Due to the sensitivity and importance of this new organisation, Tundla Junction’s executive editor decided to visit various countries, including India, to demystify the IBF using her top level contacts. The key findings of our detailed investigations are given below:

1. Each of the twelve founding members will be authorised to disburse $1Trillion bailout fund every year.  Our informed sources revealed that initially Mr. Bush wanted India to be given only $250 Billion but Dr. Manmohan Singh was adamant that India be treated as an equal partner and be given the same privileges as other founding members.  Dr. Singh was blunt but soft-spoken when he told Mr. Bush that general elections were only a few months away. He had already suffered considerable erosion in his political support due to the nuclear deal and it was not possible for him to accept less than $ 1 Trillion and become their junior partner. Luckily, Dr. Singh got strong support from Russia. Mr. Medevedev threatened to walk out (after consulting with Mr. Putin, of course) from the organisation and form the Asia Bailout Fund with Japan, China and India. Interestingly, China and Japan remained silent which forced Mr. Bush to accept Dr. Singh’s demand to be authorised for $1 Trillion disbursement every year at par with all other founding members.
2. The membership of the IBF would be open to any country which commits to practice loosely regulated US-style capitalism (aka privatized profits, socialized losses) and pays an annual fee of 1 Billion USD. In return, the member nation will be sanctioned a bailout fund of $50 Billion by the IBF.
3. There will be three categories of Bailout Funds:
   1. Bailout Fund for Large Corporations (BFLC) : Private/Government companies requiring minimum bailout funds of $50 Billion.
   2. Bailout Fund for SMEs (BFSME) : requiring minimum bailout funds of $5 Billion.
   3. Bailout Fund for Individuals (BFI) : requiring minimum bailout funds of $1 Billion.
4. The heads of states of all the founding member would be given Bailout Gift Vouchers (BGVs) of $1 Billion each under this scam scheme for their own personal bailout needs. In fact, Dr. Singh had urged for extra BGVs to the tune of at least $552 Million so that he could smoothly ensure the approval of all MPs to join the IBF – without again facing the Vote of Confidence or No Confidence. But Mr. Hu Jintao advised him not to bring such trivial issues for discussion at this highest IBF forum. Instead, he suggested, every country should address such State (F)actors by resorting to various means such as charging fee for the bailout application ranging from 1 to 10 Million USD or more, and, levying Bailout Surcharge on all type of taxes on individuals and firms. Everyone appreciated Mr. Jintao’s novel ideas and the issue was happily resolved.
5. There would also be a provision for a special Bailout Fund for already-bankrupt corporations, SMEs and individuals.  The bailout directors hired by the IBF are working overtime to work out the details of this package under the leadership of Mr. Bush.
6. Mr.  Bush has asked top IBF officials to work out a novel Bailout Fund for Healthy and Profitable Businesses (BFHPB) also so that they can effectively plan their future bailout requirements.
7. It has been decided that the finance ministers of all the founding member countries would work from the Manhattan HQ of the IBF.  This will ensure that they all absorb and imbibe the culture of greed that will be critical to the success of IBF.
8. IBF is trying very hard to acquire a very spacious office in Manhattan for its HQ.  Mr. Bush is likely to strike a deal with Bank of America by promising them 1 Billion USD under the BFHPB category.  As per this deal, Bank of America will move Merrill Lynch from its headquarters at 4 World Financial Center, where Merrill leases 2. 1 million square feet, to be closer to the bank’s new Bryant Park headquarters.  If that happens, IBF’s HQ can be set up there.

Highly placed sources have told Tundla Junction that efforts at the highest levels are on to convince the World Bank to bailout the IBF by providing working capital to the tune of $50 Trillion so that it can avoid closure before it’s launch on January 21.  Our sources do not rule out the possibility of IBF’s acquisition by the World Bank.

However, more reliable sources have revealed that Robert B. Zoellick, President of the World Bank Group, has himself submitted his application to Mr.  Bush under the BFI scheme. They both had a closed door meeting in the White House recently and it is understood that they have struck some sort of a deal with regard to the future of IBF.  Tundla Junction promises to keep you up-to-date with the future developments as and when they take place at the IBF.

Tundlabytes
Our geriatric readers and history buffs will recall that the IMF – an organization of 185 countries – was formed in December 1945 after the Second World War. The main objective of the IMF was to avoid a repetition of the disastrous economic policies that led to a breakdown in international monetary cooperation and contributed to the Great Depression of the 1930s.