Tundla Junction

After breaking the news of the formation of International Bailout Fund (IBF), our Executive Editor was contacted by Mr. Bush who requested for an exclusive interview – his first in the New Year – to share more about the IBF.

TJ: Sir, first of all – on behalf of Tundla Junction – I convey our best wishes to you for the New Year and congratulate you on your new assignment.
GWB: Thank you. In fact, I was wondering how you people came to know about IBF. I must appreciate your journalistic skills and your concern for the new emerging bailout industry. However, I would like to clarify that I decided to get my designation changed from Chairman & MD to President. Since I am accustomed to be called President, this would give me a kind of feeling that I was still in the White House. So at present I am the President-Elect.

TJ : Sir, why did you opt for this job?
GWB : Sometimes, I wonder whether I did the right thing to accept this offer. I had a number of other lucrative offers. For example, Obama offered me to become the head of the Al Qaeda and continue my fight against the terror. He is very much concerned about the terrorism of state actors worldwide.

TJ: Obama!!!??
GWB: I am sorry. Osama, not Obama. I don’t know why I always get confused. Osama agreed to give me full freedom and all powers to lead his team along with full access to AQ’s funds. But I selected the IBF because IBF gives me an opportunity to exercise my control over the entire world – all governments, organisations and their people.

TJ: When and how you did you discover the Bailout mechanism?
GWB: Honestly, I did not discover anything. From my childhood, I have observed that the process of Bailout is very natural. It is universally taking place since ages across the world among all creatures, especially human beings. When a child is born, it bails out the mother from nine months of anxiety. The parents bail out the child by raising him up and when the child is not even sixteen, he bails out the parents and becomes independent. In our culture, we frequently find that married men and women also bail out each other by resorting to divorce as and when required. Oldies are bailed out by their near and dear ones by abandoning them so that they can live as they like. In return, these oldies bail out the living ones when they die bringing an end to the wasteful expenditure being incurred on them. So, you see, bailout is an inherent natural process. What I have done is that I have, for the first time, without shame, implemented this process on a massive scale to bailout the dying business entities by giving them the newly printed dollars.

And through IBF, I want to make the process of bailout very simple, easy and automatic by sanctioning the required funds to anyone and anytime throughout the world. The IBF has evolved and implemented a unique business practice. All our bailout sanction letters and gift vouchers bear no name so they can be freely exchanged, gifted or traded. Honestly speaking, I borrowed this idea from your country where you used to have Indira Vikas Patras. It’s really a great idea.

TJ: How is the initial feedback to your idea of IBF?
GWB: First of all let me correct you here. We (the IBF) are NOT at the idea stage. IBF has already been instituted, all office bearers and experts appointed and we have already received thousands of applications for the bailout funds which are being processed by our Bailout Directors. The IBF has bailed out these experts by providing them employment. They have got decades of financial experience in recently bailed out financial institutions. In order to retain them permanently, we have given them double the remuneration what they were getting in their previous positions.

We are flooded with bailout inquiries from all over the globe, especially after Tundla Junction’s breaking news on IBF’s formation.

Not only that, we have already sanctioned – to our near and dear ones – about $20 trillion out of the $ 25 trillion fund we are going to get from the World Bank as the first installment on January 21. Besides this, we have also distributed about $1 trillion worth Bailout Gift Vouchers to our well wishers like you who are going to help us in different ways to achieve our goals. The remaining $4 trillion will be required to pay salaries, bonuses and retirement benefits to our worldwide employees currently numbered around 25,000. These payments have been guaranteed to them irrespective of whether the IBF comes into its official existence on Jan 21 or not.

TJ: What are the future plans of IBF?
GWB: We have a long list of programmes and schemes that we would like the IBF to implement for the global development. We are just waiting for the funds. I will give you two examples :

1. Setting up of an International Bailout Institute (IBI): Manmohan (Singh) has requested me to appoint him as the Vice Chancellor of IBI that is going to be a doomed global university^[1]. He is dead sure that even if the Congress Party wins the forthcoming General Elections, Sonia is not going to bail him out because Rahul is already in the queue to be bailed out. The International Bailout Institute would provide training and research facilities to world leaders, officials and scholars who would be managing trillions of bailout funds.
2. Single Common World Currency: The IBF wants to have BOF dollar (Bail Out Fund $) to become the universal currency. The minimum note size would be one billion BOF dollars. We are going to have our own Bank Note Press for printing the BOF dollars. I have personally requested Robert Mugabe to be our advisor for trouble-free management of large ticket sized currency notes.

There are several such novel schemes but at this juncture it would not be fair to disclose them, especially when we have not yet made public even the formation of IBF. So, please wait for some time. On Jan 21, we will not only announce our plans but also our achievements on the very first day.

TJ: What will happen if the World Bank refuses to give funds to you?
GWB: This can never happen. They will have to bailout the IBF. They simply can’t afford NOT to do that because they very well know that very soon they also would need to be bailed out. And only an institution of the magnitude and stature of the IBF can do that. So if they do not bail us out, how can we bailout them later?

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Disclosure: The President-Elect gave me a Bailout Gift Voucher (BGV) of $10 million for personal use and also a sanction letter for $1 billion bailout fund for Tundla Junction under the Bailout Fund for Healthy and Profitable Businesses (BFHPB) scheme. But I personally handed over my BGV to Mr. Clinton whom I met when I came out from the office of Mr. Bush. He was waiting to see Mr. Bush in connection with his application for $5 billion under the Bailout Fund for Individuals (BFI) category. I requested Mr. Clinton to accept $10 million BGV as a donation to the Clinton Foundation. To avoid publicity for myself, I requested him to write the name of ‘Mayawati’ as the donor. I also gave away Tundla Junction’s $1 billion BFHPB sanction letter to Mr. Vikram Pandit with whom I had a chance meeting at the airport.

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Footnotes:
¹ We think he meant “deemed”