Tundla Junction

Current events have given rise to not only a new calendar system as we previously reported but also, a new lexicon and mathematical system.

We have been provided with exclusive coverage of the new systems.

New Lexicon

Humanitarian crisis – refers to the mere 500 odd Palestinians who need to be killed in a span of a few days and just a few thousand more who need to be starved before an inflexion point of extreme kindness and absolute generosity is reached by the esteemed Ms.Tzipi Livni (read a thorough assessment of her election chances) in allowing for use of the term. It also refers to the ultimate insult heaped by the extraordinarily powerful UN Security Council in the absence of a vote from the United States.

Note: Crisis is to be used only after more than 500 Palestinians are killed. Smaller numbers are not considered statistically significant and so please note that we are not aware of a specific term for it. Also, see Self-defence.

Self-defence – refers to any act of what would in non-Israeli-speak be called aggression, committed by Israel against Palestine or anyone else. This modern-day rendering of the ancient David vs. Goliath tale also includes fighting tooth and nail against the extremely dangerous step of granting tenure to Professor Norman Finkelstein.

Note: Until recently, it also referred to the search for the mythical Weapons of Mass Destruction by the US government in Iraq. That act is now called the George Bush Limit for Infinite Destruction. Definitions are changing fast to include President-elect-with-a-funny-Muslim-name Barack Obama’s keen assessment of change-we-better-not-believe-in (also known as mentioning Israel and ceasefire in the same breath).

Terrorism – when Palestine

a) Sends over a couple of rockets to Israel, killing in total less than .91% (or 5 people compared to 550 people) of the number killed by Israel. The definition carries the weight of highly academic legal research conducted by Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz.

b) Protests about water or food or any other such supplies that are generally assumed to be required by all human beings, except of course Palestinians.

Note: Other recent uses of the term Terrorism have referred to the following –

a)Iraqi citizens protesting the presence of US military

b)Anything Muslim-looking on an airplane

c) Any action of the ghost of Edward Said or an in-the-flesh Rashid Khalidi

d) Green flags in BJP-ruled states

New Mathematical System

We are still receiving details on the system but as of now, this is how counting is to be taught in schools.

The Real number system will be modified to allow for the interjection of different types of equalities resulting in additional numbers. Renowned mathematicians have expressed puzzlement about these additions. However, most governments worldwide have accepted the system as solidly real.

1) The Americans-in-Iraq equality – 0.18 = 1. This postulates that 1 American life = .18 of an Iraqi life. It is meant to honor the incredible attention paid by the media and governments worldwide to the total number of Americans killed in Iraq (18,000) and the total number of Iraqis killed during the same time (100,000).

2) The 9/11 equality (or the Mother of All Equalities) – .014(?)=1. The identity basically says that 1 9/11 death = .014 of the life of anyone killed in the War on Terror (or 2,800 as a proportion of 200,000). This identity has not as yet been confirmed by the American government’s statistical experts since the total number of people killed as part of the ‘War on Terror’ effort is yet to be confirmed. Also, experts are worried that this identity may include some double-counting since there is uncertainty over whether 100,000 of the Iraqis should be counted as part of the 200,000 (in the above identity, they have been counted).

3) The Israeli equality – .0092 = 1. This postulates that 1 Israeli life = .0092 of a Palestinian life. As we mentioned earlier, this is the number of Palestinian lives that are currently considered as necessary sacrifice for the use of the term ‘Humanitarian Crisis’. It is likely that this number will be even smaller in future. We project that it may well reach the point of .0000000000001=1.

4) The Mumbai equality – 0.1=1. The idea here is that every 1 person killed in the November Mumbai attacks equals 0.1 infants (dying in India every year). The measure has been coined by the much-needed levels of public attention being paid to everything related to the Mumbai attacks in relation to other trivial issues such as infant mortality.

Stay tuned for more developments.