Tundla Junction

Dear All-those-who-cannot-stomach-my-superior-leadership-style,

 

This letter is for you. You may not know but Gujarat Private Ltd is a fully functioning monopoly (I’ll throw in a free Economics 101 lesson for you here – high barriers to entry in the form of engineered elections pose a significant threat to potential entrants) in this great bailout-fueled free market world that we live in. No one else is in the business of running a government pretending to be a business pretending to be a government. If that hurt your poor socialist, leftist, secular, khadi-cap-clad head, well too bad. Wake up and smell the dhokla.

 

You’ve got to give me some credit here. I have transformed the business completely. First off, despite your continued and painful carping, I undertook some initiatives to retain my high-value customers and get rid of the low-value client groups – the Muslims you all seem to be so worried about. Nehru said that we don’t need 19 brands of toothpaste. I just applied the same logic to my client base. So, it was okay for Nehru but not for me? I mean, really what do you expect? Dhandha is dhandha. I can’t keep getting these annualized 15% growth rates if I have to cater to every little Abdul, Rahim, Saira coming my way.

 

Now, you have to understand – in the business of running a government pretending to be a business pretending to be a government, I don’t have the option of just cutting off services to those who are just unprofitable. Believe me, I really tried to imitate companies like Sprint Nextel in the US but the on-the-ground operational implementation was beyond the understanding of even Anilbhai and Mukeshbhai.

 

I am really a very compassionate soul, you know. Don’t believe me? Ask my blood brother, Ratan (Tata). Just the other day, I was asking him as to how Dubya and his family are doing. I’d so much wanted to visit them but they denied my visa repeatedly. Nevermind. I am from the land of Gandhi after all. I have invited Jeb again (Dubya’s Election Engineering Expert brother – I’m so excited about swapping some electioneering strategies with him!) to discuss Dubya’s retirement plans. I will ask him “What will he do with his time if he is not able to bomb any more Muslims?” I am sure he is going through withdrawal. Gujarat is the ideal place for him now. He doesn’t have to worry his pretty little head about complicated technical jargon like the Surge, Shock-and-Awe etc. He can just come over if he wants a change of scenery from hunting on his Crawford ranch.

 

Now, now, really, sit down. I know that Dubya bothers you as well. But, see Dubya was just a little stupid. He just did not show off his take-charge pro-active leadership qualities by waiting for 9/11 to happen before obliterating Iraq. I didn’t let that happen. Like a pro-active leader (Ratan gave me Andy Grove’s ‘Only the Paranoid Survive’ as a birthday gift, if you must know), I took matters into my own hands and massacred all those Muslims…oops eliminated low-paying client base to protect my monopoly’s profits.

 

And, Dubya made another mistake – again, by waiting too long (what is with the man? He’s a bit slow on the uptake, eh?). He waited for all the banks to fail before creating that bailout package. I, on the other hand, have no intention of doing so. I’m already bailing out…uhh providing substantial subsidies for the manufacture of the Nano. It’ll be a uniquely Gujarati success story – you can afford to buy the Nano, because well, you’ve paid for it twice over.

 

So long, farewell. Maybe we shall meet at one of those froo-froo events that you people like to go to? I can’t wait to disrupt Mallika Sarabhai’s performance again!

 

Lovingly yours,

Narendra Modi

P.S. I used to say “Dreams are not seen when you sleep, dreams are those that don’t let you sleep.” but in deference to you all, I will now say “Nightmares are those that don’t let others sleep.”