Tundla Junction

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly got tired of watching the Indian news media go on an on about her visit, and sent torture experts from the CIA to force Kasab to confess in order to divert attention.

The Clintons have always been able to count on goodwill from Indians (and from White House interns).  Also well known is their love for India, so much so that Mrs. Clinton first announced her candidature for the 2008 presidential race on the pilot episode of Tedhi Baat Shekhar ke Saath.

But things seem to have changed dramatically during her recent visit.  US president Barack Obama’s quip about saying No to Bangalore – just a few days before her trip – did not help. A billion Indians were hurt by that comment because he did not use the city’s new name – Bengaluru, thus demonstrating his abominable lack of awareness about issues that are important to India.

Squabbling over climate change global warming at the G-8 summit in Italy did not help either. Mr. Obama was reportedly upset about Prime Minister Singh’s jibes over carbon emissions from Air Force One and the 25 Secret Service limousines escorting the US president.

Mrs. Clinton was prepared for a challenging visit against this backdrop. Her patience was tested on the very first day when, during dinner with Indian business tycoons, Anil Ambani refused to pass the salt to older brother Mukesh. Things quickly went downhill from there, with almost every interviewer asking her the same questions about Pakistan, terrorism, outsourcing and how important India really was to the US.

The final straw was having to share the stage with Aamir Khan at an event to promote education. Mrs. Clinton, an accomplished lawyer, wanted to convey the importance of education in a global economy when Mr. Khan completely undermined her agenda exhorting kids to drop out of school and become struggling actors.

Inside sources say that when Mrs. Clinton reached her hotel room that night, she was so frustrated she just wanted to watch her favourite TV show (Jon and Kate plus 8 ) and unwind. She changed channel after channel only to find herself on every news program and talkshow in the country. TV anchors were outdoing themselves trying to find new inanities to hurl at the audience. She suffered everything from an analysis of her wardrobe to an astrological prediction for US-India relations. It was enough to push her off the edge.

She called in waterboarding partial drowning experts from the CIA and told them to work with Indian police and prosecutors to force Kasab to confess. Little did they realise that the torture techniques of the Indian police were far more advanced.

In a bid to salvage US-India relations by preventing Mrs. Clinton having a meltdown, Foreign Minister S M Krishna pulled some strings and got Kasab to confess. All attention has now been diverted but only the readers of Tundla Junction know the inside story.