Tundla Junction

The country is united in the face of the extreme form of apartheid being practised by Indians (of unknown passport origin) running Haagen-Dazs ice-cream franchises. Through a nationwide poll conducted this morning by the Times of India, we have learnt that from farmers to Infosys employees, college students to housewives, Maoists to government-run-militias and the RSS to Rahul Gandhi, we have as a nation come together to overturn a common oppressor — a historic occassion that has only one other precedent i.e., the Dandi March when non-Indians (of superior-race passport origin) attempted to surreptitiously force non-iodized salt on our delicate palates.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has called for a Special Commission of Concerned Citizens to investigate possible retaliation strategies in the face of this atrocity. A delegation of farmers from Vidarbha and Andhra Pradesh flew down to New Delhi to meet him and express their deep concern and demand urgent action from the government. Rajendra Prasad Naidu, the leader of the farmer delegation said “Imported ice-cream is the staple food of our country. Everyone, regardless of income and status, can enjoy it. So, such a discriminatory stance hits at the very roots of our nation”. His comrade-in-arms, Gajraj Singh chipped in “Look at the nation-wide outrage on Twitter. If people are tweeting about it, clearly it is an urgent national priority and the media and our government should take it seriously. We only have to look to Iran to realize the importance of Twitter in these volatile times”.

Indian titan, Ratan Tata has also issued a press release stating that he is glad to have been given a brand new opportunity to disguise corporate profits as national pride. “The Tata group will launch an ice-cream brand for the common man, costing only Rs.10” the press release said. Farmers in Haryana have already offered to donate their land to the Tatas for this important national endeavor, ensuring that the relationship between Narendra Modi’s government and the Tata group does not evolve into boring and stale long-term committed monogamy.

The international media is meanwhile anxiously watching the unfolding of this uniquely Indian story. New York Times reporters have fanned across the country looking to capture the reactions of common folk going about their business in the throes of this revolution. A reporter touring the country with Kancha Illaiah, found out that Dalits across thousands of villages have spontaneously decided to take a day off work in a gesture of solidarity with the hundreds of millions affected by ice-cream apartheid.

Haagen-Dazs has just released a statement saying that it will launch a Truth and Reconciliation Commission composed of select Twitter members to investigate the incident. The statement has been hailed as a late but much-needed gesture by all although much remains to be done, say Kancha Illaiah and Rajendra Prasad Naidu.