Andhra’s Biggest Loser Jeetega
Taking a count of the number of politicians, nay martyrs, fasting for and against the creation of Telangana, Sonia Gandhi today announced that the final decision on whether or not Telangana will be a state will be decided by who has lost the maximum amount of weight among all those fasting. To ensure that the system is fair, percentages will be used rather than gross numbers. So, the winner with the biggest percentage of weight loss will get to decide the fate of Telangana.
“We believe the system is fair. It has been chosen by the politicians of all parties which means it is truly the will of the people. Mahatma Gandhi I am certain had a similar system in mind but could not implement it because he lived in the dark ages before TV came to India. Now, every Raju, Chiranjeevi and Jagan can switch on the TV or the computer and check the weight lost by their favorite fasting politician. This is democracy at its best” said a spokesperson for Sonia Gandhi.
Our sources reveal that the Congress high command is in talk with the producers of “Biggest Loser Jeetega” to launch a fasting-Andhra-politician series. To ensure that its decision-making process is now fair and transparent (after earlier accusations of being otherwise), it is consulting with all the top fasting politicians about being a part of the series. Chiranjeevi’s accountants have already been hard at work calculating the potential revenue to be generated from their boss being on it.
Jagan Reddy is however launching a protest against the Congress’ decision in collaboration with Chandrababu Naidu. Their argument – Chiranjeevi is likely to lose the most weight since well, he stands the most to lose and so is likely to garner all prime time TV glory (not to mention the undying gratitude of the-people-of-Andhra-Pradesh-who-couldn’t-care-less-about-Telangana). With their lower body fat percentages, they argue that they are being penalized for keeping fit i.e., working hard for the interests of the people of Telangana. A better measure, they argue, would be to check the fitness levels of the fasting politicians by having them run on a treadmill or around Tank Bund on prime-time TV – the neta who is left standing last is the one who truly has the people’s interests at heart. Jagan Reddy is supposed to have gotten his brainwave from the Salem witch trials (if the woman floats after being thrown into a river, she’s a witch and so has to be killed. On the other hand, if she doesn’t float i.e., drowns, well she is not a witch but too bad she died proving it). Millions of Chiranjeevi fans who are terrified that their hero might lose in this cunningly modified challenge have already offered to immolate themselves at his feet or barring that, be his body doubles.
Meanwhile, worried about all the imitators floating around, KCR has taken the unprecedented step of patenting his fast. He has applied to say that the specific series of actions relating to fasting and Telangana state-hood should be considered his exclusive right and anyone wanting to use it should first pay him royalties. He is being advised by Bikram Choudhury (who became famous patenting a series of gestures leading to salvation or a svelte body). A KCR supporter under the condition of anonymity said “Boss-garu has really gotten lucky. If Potti Sriramulu were alive, he would have held all the rights”.